I am dating a patient and loving man. My previous relationship with mental violence still haunts me. What do I do if I am considering ending this new relationship because of this? A letter from Vibeke Dorph to the Home.
Ghosts from previous relationships
I am a second year student in a great relationship with my boyfriend. We have a great relationship and are truly happy for each other. My boyfriend is older and runs his own business. He bought a lovely home a year ago, and we now share it. So far, so good.
Our issue is that I was previously in a relationship where I was sexually abused and constantly subjected to psychological violence. The psychic violence was infidelity, harsh words, lies, and gross denigration of me.
When I got out of my ex’s clutches, my current boyfriend showed up. I tried to push him away even after we started dating, but he was persistent. That decision to make it a romantic relationship instead of a friendship left me bittersweet.
After a year and a half, I’m still haunted by my previous relationship. I can’t trust my boyfriend because I’m convinced he doesn’t love me. My boyfriend is the world’s most patient and loving man.
But I think he deserves a happier relationship with mutual trust. So I’m thinking of letting him go and then healing my shattered mind. Do you think I should do it or should I stay in the relationship and work on my problems without my boyfriend having to suffer?
Vibeke Dorph advises acceptance and seeking help.
I suggest you skip your bad conscience first. Neither you nor your relationship benefit from it, but your patient boyfriend knew exactly what he was getting into when you started dating.
If he is the stable, balanced, and wise man he appears to be, he also knows that Rome was not built in a day, and that your ex-emotional boyfriend’s trauma did not magically vanish. These are emotions with an anarchist life. It takes time for them to realize you are safe and they no longer need to be on guard and warn you. So wait.
But there is one thing you can consider: When people leave a turbulent relationship like yours, they often drag the turbulence from the previous relationship into the new. They are used to large emotional swings, hassle and trouble, and find it difficult to act in a more harmonious and thus emotionally “flatter” everyday life.
They will recreate the previous relationship’s mood and make a lot of noise and scenes because that is what they are used to. Unhealthy patterns and conditions, and how to break them mentally, are well-written books that you can find in bookstores or borrow from libraries.
Sure, I’d advise you to hire a good psychologist to help you get over your cruel ex-boyfriend. But don’t let go of the lovely one you have now. If you don’t, your psychopathic ex-girlfriend has you by the shovel.